DO NOT read this post

NEWSFLASH: this blog is not for you. It's actually quite selfish. (Because I'm almost in my 'selfish twenties'. LOL JK, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.)

In fact, I don't even care if no one reads this blog. I'm making this blog because I told myself that I never would. In my mind, blogs are "just a trend"; they're becoming more and more popular and I promised myself I wouldn't go with the flow and join the bloggers. 

Seriously, I am in no way a writer. I'm not even grammatically correct on a good day! I ramble on and on about things that bother me, til even I'm sick of the topic. 

I've always wanted to write beautiful things, but I've accepted that that is not my gift. It's for creative people that know how to keep people entertained with words. 

Why did I randomly start a blog, you might be thinking? Because I felt like it. Actually, because I'm learning to fail my goals. Bear with me. I've been bound to goals for as long as I can remember. Stupid goals that have no real meaning. So, here begins my ramblings:

I've been reading. Yes, I read books, shocking to people who know me best. In fact, I've read 2 and a half within the last week and a half. Sometimes when I read my mind wanders. I begin to get lost in my own thoughts. I've been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. Her way of writing begins to twist my mind and I tell myself that I can throw my words on a piece of paper and they will magically fit together beautifully, like a puzzle. So I become an author. A terrible author. And that bothers me. I can't write. So a war begins, between my goals and my distractions. It's a funny thing, really- to be inspired. I continue reading, trying to shut my wandering thoughts off, but they continue. I tell myself that I can't stop now, I haven't made it to a stopping point in my book, either the end of the chapter or at least one of those random swirly things that separate parts of chapters. The words that I continue reading start to become jumbled together. "What am I even reading about again?" I'm lost. So I make it to the end of a paragraph, shut the book and open my journal. It's ridiculous really, how I've managed to set a goal for myself without even realizing it and it controls my menial tasks. 

The more I think about it, numerous goals that I've thought up begin to rise to the surface. 

• Eating all the food off my plate, even if it means wanting to vomit because I've eaten so much already. 
• Finish the dishcloth that I've started, even when my fingers are numb from knitting all day(yes, I'm an old lady at heart.) 
• Read to the end of the chapter, even if my mind wanders and I gain no content- even if my eyes won't stay open another minute. 
• Get to the bottom page on Pinterest, even if means staying away for an extra half hour while already dreading having to get up the next morning. 

(Of course these are tiny goals that are merely trifles compared to my life goals, but you get the picture.)

I love goals, really I do. But there is not much that drives me more than accomplishing that goal, even if I've set it too high. I'm afraid of failure. We all are, aren't we? So maybe I just set goals that aren't important, because I know that I can finish them. It's all black and white to me. Win or lose. Accomplish or fail. Why am I bound to this? This list of "to do's" that really mean nothing? 

When I miss those goals that I've set for myself, I get upset. I've missed it, I missed the mark. Why can't I do things because I enjoy it? Even worse, sometimes I set goals out of spite. 'This person told me I couldn't eat a brownie that big', so of course I set myself a new goal. A goal that leaves me hating myself(pretty dramatic, eh?) cause I've had one too many brownies. 

I've created a barrier. I'm only satisfied with success. What if I truly tried my best and still failed? Then I tell myself that I haven't really tried. I'm bound. Bound by winning or losing, there is nothing else. My thinking is flawed. Why are we so afraid of failure? WHO CARES IF WE FAIL? At least I tried. I can be so hard on myself. We can learn so much from failing, from falling down and getting back up. If only we would see failure in that light. 

If I continue this terrible process, I will never set goals that truly scare me. And that scares me. 

People in the Bible failed all the time. I'm going to have to accept that it is part of life. Goals that teach me to fully rely on the Lord to be able to complete them are the only type of real life goals that I should have. So often I've never allowed myself to do something for some silly reason, but really I've don't think about my goals through the filter of whether it's glorifying to God or not. 

Society has told us that you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. (Or in Janae's case- You can do anything you you put your mind too, no matter how short you may be ;) Disney has made some pretty great movies, I mean really, they make people cry over animated creatures... Or maybe I'm the only one to cry at Frozen, it's just so sweet! Anyways, I loved Monster's University theme. *SPOILER ALERT* Mike Wazowski is training to be a "scarer". He is book smart and can ace all the tests in the scare program, but he lacks one thing: being scary. The point of the story was that sometimes you have a different fit than you were dreaming of, and that's not a bad thing! But how would you ever know if you had never tried something? Maybe you're not fit to do the thing you love or dreamed of. I don't believe I'm fit to be a writer or a photographer, although it sounds like a beautiful dream. How would I ever know if I hadn't tried and failed though? 

Maybe I'm not making sense to you, that's fine. You can read someone else's blog. Go for it. Seriously, I'm not offended. I never claimed to be the world's best or most interesting writer. 

So at the end of the day, I've failed my goal. I wrote a blog and you know what, I don't care if no one reads it. I don't care if it's not the next biggest hit. I'm trying something new and I think that's awesome and I pray that my words are only glorifying to the One who made me.