Friday, September 29, 2017

United States to Tanzania to Rwanda

It's been a while since I posted anything. I guess I'm not so great at this whole blogging thing...

BUT I did want to write a post on my most recent adventure to Africa at the beginning of August.

Many of you know about the organization called Compassion International. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a Christian, non-profit organization that works to release children from poverty. I had heard about the child sponsorship program for many years through conferences and others in our church who sponsored a child. I had wanted to sponsor a child for many years, but never had a steady paying job until I started my position as a live-in nanny in Virginia about 2 years ago. When I started working there, I searched the site to find a child to sponsor. I remember praying that I would be lead to the right child. So, I chose Fred, a little boy about the same age as the boys that I was nannying at the time. About a year and a half after sponsoring Fred, I received an email from Compassion about a Cause Trek trip to climb Kilimanjaro and an opportunity to see my sponsor child. I read it and then closed it, immediately thinking it was too terrifying to consider. Little did I know that God would work on my heart in those next few weeks. As I prayed about the trip more and more, God was showing me that I needed to step out of my comfort zone and follow him. So I took the leap of faith and put down the deposit.

Fast forward 8 months and God provided all the funding and worked out all the details when it was coming down to the last minute and I still didn't have my passport and visa back. I was really excited for the trip, but I had no idea what to expect or why I was to be on this trip.

The first day that we were in Africa, we visited a center built by Compassion. As soon as we got off the bus, we were swarmed by all 258 children that were in the program! After the children came up and talked with us and asked us our name hundreds of times, we were taken to the main building where some of the children sang for us. Some of the ladies on the trip all needed to use the restroom and were taken to a different building, which was very clean and new looking. We used the African toilets, called "squatty's". It was like a hole in the ground, but was made of porcelain and flushed. You had to squat over it, as if going to the bathroom like one would in the outdoors. I wish I had taken a picture of one of the toilets, but sadly I forgot. Later we heard that they had just finished this new building the day before we had arrived! The main reason of our visit was to see how the WaSH initiative, that our group was fundraising for, was being implemented in the center. After we had spent most of our day at the center and were fed lunch by those working there, we split into groups and did some home visits. A few families that had a child in the program would offer to have people into their homes and ask about their daily lives and how the program has effected them. After we asked our questions, we presented the family with some gifts, prayed with them and then were on our way.

Day two was a little bit different, our whole group was in attendance today, as the day before most were visiting with their sponsor children that lived in Tanzania. This day we were greeted in a less excited manner by the children, but we could all tell that they were excited to see us. The children sang and danced to some Bible songs in order to welcome us. Next we were shown the facilities. This center had two gigantic holding tanks for the rainwater they collected. The rainwater could be used in a variety of ways, mainly for gardens, their fish hatchery or for washing clothing. After being shown the facilities, we played games with the children. I made the mistake of opening a bag of Jolly Ranchers to hand out to the children and was completely bombarded! After hanging out with the kids for a while, we visited another home much like we had the day before. Shortly after, we left to head back to our hotel. After we had supper that evening, we were briefed on what the next 6 days would look like on Mount Kilimanjaro. At this point, I was starting to internally freak out. Doubts of whether I had trained enough or if my clothing would be warm enough flooded my mind. I prayed myself to sleep that night. Time would tell whether I would make it to the summit or not, there was no turning back now.

We awoke the next morning and started a long journey by van to our starting point. After about a 5 hour drive, we walked 4 miles to our first camp. Upon arriving at camp, we dropped our packs in our tents after meeting our porters. Then as a group, we all went on an acclimatization hike for approximately 45 minutes. The idea was to climb high, sleep low which will often help the next day. We came back to camp and had tea and popcorn as a snack before supper in the mess tent. At supper each evening, we would start with a few bowls of soup to get our liquid intake to a 3 or so liters of water per day. Following the soup, then would come our main meal. I felt as though I was slowly getting to know our group and the guides who would walk with us daily.

On day four we were all awaken by our porters who gave us the option of coffee, tea or hot chocolate and would bring it to our tents. They would then bring us a small tub of warm water to wash off with. After packing up our belongings, we went to the mess tent to have breakfast and then start our long day. I found written in my journal much of what our day looked like: tons of beautiful views, lots of peeing and TONS of walking 😅 We started walking around 9:30, ate lunch around 1:30ish. After lunch we hiked another 3 hours. I had a bit of a headache in the evening, but nothing too terrible. My body was slowing adjusting to the altitude.

At breakfast the next morning while discussing how everyone slept, it sounded as though no one got very much sleep. It was a very frustrating thing to be so tired in the evening, fall right asleep only to be woken up a few hours later and not be able to fall asleep again. This day of hiking was pretty strenuous, but we only walked until lunch. We rested for a while and then had an acclimatization hike around 3:30. Had a dance party and came back. I probably had not been drinking as much as I should have at this point. But it was a struggle when I didn't feel thirsty. At this point some in our group were more effected by the altitude and felt very sick.

I slept terribly the next night. I could not sleep for very long without waking up and not being able to fall back asleep. It was supposed to be a 5 or 6 hour day of hiking. A nice, gradual incline but strenuous. I could tell I was feeling exhausted as my pack felt heavier and my shoulders were hurting. It did not help that I didn't have a pack fitted very well to me, something I should have taken more consideration over before buying. We made it to camp and had a very late lunch. After lunch, we would try to sleep as much as we could before waking at midnight for a light breakfast and then start our trek to the summit! Our elevation at camp was just over 15,000 ft. I was surprised that I wasn't feeling sick at this point, but felt thankful. My nose felt so dry, I thought it would bleed at many times throughout the day, but that was the worst of my worries at the moment and many others were worse off than I.

We started up the mountain, all of us with many layers, heavy jackets, hand warmers in our gloves and feet warmers in our hiking boots. There were a few reason why we started our ascent at midnight: the first one was because of the frozen scree which made our trek easier and the second was because many who could see where they were going in the day time would get discouraged and turn back. I felt pretty good as I climbed. We walked very slowly, all very close together. I prayed as I went, for those who helped get me to this point and for my sponsor child, who I would see in a few days. It was tiring, but we kept on until... when we reached about 17,000 feet I started feeling a bit queasy and slightly light headed. One of the guides, Francis, had been carrying my bag since about hour 2 since I was getting sore from the weight of it. Francis encouraged me to eat a snack to help with my nausea. I did and drank water through my water bladder, until the drinking tube became frozen. We continued on for a while before I needed to vomit beside the trail. Many others around me were feeling badly also. Everyone did their best to encourage one another and keep our positive spirits. The guides would come beside those vomiting and help them while making sure they would not fall down the mountain. Each time that I puked, I would feel better afterward for a time. Finally around 6 AM, we made it to Gilman's Point, the first summit area. We made it there just before the sunrise. Hot tea was passed out at the top and we were allowed a short break before another 3 hour round trip trek around the crater rim to Uhuru Peak, the highest point in Africa. I felt sick as I continued on, puked more but refused to turn back. I had come this far, I would not turn back unless I was told that it was dangerous to my health to continue on. Francis was so helpful and patient, he encouraged me when I felt discouraged. We were only allowed 5 minute breaks, they told us that if we rested too long, we wouldn't want to get back up. It was probably best that way considering many of us were falling asleep any time we sat down, some even said they were falling asleep walking. We finally, after holding back from having a meltdown, made it to the top in what felt like an eternity, but was probably only about 2 hours. Everyone took their pictures with the sign, all were excited about how far we had come. At this point, I was not at all excited about anything. I was feeling miserable, sick to my stomach and the most tired physically that I had ever been. Francis suggested that we not stay at Uhuru Peak for very long and told me that I would feel better as we came down in altitude. We flew down the mountain, almost quite literally. The scree that was frozen on the way up was now loose, which made it easy to "ski" down. I made it to camp about 10:30 AM. I changed my clothes and fell right to sleep. We rested for a few hours, had a meal and then were on our way again. It all happened so fast, it was hard to believe that we had just climbed the world's 4th tallest mountain that very morning. We hiked another 3 hours to our next camp where we rejoined the rest of the group that had not made it to the summit or had turned back at an earlier time. I found written in my journal how excited I was to finally be able to shower the next day, it had been quite a long time. I also forgot a hairbrush and was a bit concerned as my hair seemed to be starting to dread.

Our final decent day was here! We awoke early, had breakfast and had a final meeting with all of our guides and porters. We presented them with their final tips and presents. Many in the group left hiking gear that they no longer needed as gifts to those who helped them make it up the mountain. Then we started our 12 mile final descent. By about mile 7, my feet were starting to hurt. Which was, praise the Lord, the first time all trip that they were really bothered. The terrain was so different from what we had dealt with for the last 5 days, more rain forest area as opposed to the normal desert, dry and dusty type area. We made it down the mountain at about 2 and were swarmed by people trying to sell to us or trade with us for souvenir items. Thankfully I was warned about this happening and had prepared myself. We finally got into the vans and made the three hour trek back to the hotel. At this point, I was starting to get nervous about the next part of my travelling adventures. After arriving at the hotel, I had time to get a nice long shower and have a closing dinner with the group before going straight to the airport. I took a taxi there, since I was travelling alone. I was dropped off at the airport many hours before my flight, as it wasn't safe to travel by car at night. When I got to the airport, I thought I would be able to check in right away. There was no WiFi to communicate with anyone and I was too afraid to fall asleep in case I would miss my flight. I felt a bit lost, as I couldn't communicate very well and everyone else seemed to know what they were doing. As the time came nearer to my flight, there were less and less people around and I checked in and talked with the airport workers more. Most seemed a bit bored and asked me questions about climbing Kilimanjaro as I was carrying my certificate so that it wouldn't get bent. I went through immigration, but there was a final security point to get to my gate that I was not able to pass through as it was still too early. I looked through the gift shop and then sat down to wait until the appropriate time to get to the gate. I ended up falling asleep and almost missed my flight! Thankfully, because the airport was so small, I was woken up by one of the security workers who told me that my plane had arrived. I believe that I was the last person to board the plane. The plane I boarded arrived in Kenya and I had a layover in Nairobi for a few hours. This time I was able to use the free internet for an hour to help pass the time. I finally boarded my plane for Kigali and was on my way!
Before the trip, there were a few complications with my visas to Tanzania and Rwanda. I had sent for them later than I hoped because there was information that was needed for the process which I had not received until it was getting dangerously close to the trip(read 2-3 weeks out). Finally, about two days before the trip I had received my passport back along with a visa to Tanzania and was told that I could get my visa for Rwanda when I landed in Kigali. So I arrived in Kigali and hurried to get my visa, I thought that my ride would have been waiting for me. After getting my visa and going through customs I went to look for my ride. I was told he would be holding a sign with my name on it and have Compassion International apparel on. I looked and looked for him but could not find him, it turns out that he was a little bit late as the airline that I was flying with was normally known to be one that arrived later than scheduled. As we drove to the Compassion office in Kigali, we made a quick stop so that I could exchange some money. I was asked what I would like to do with my sponsor child whom I was visiting. I was given the choice between taking him to the Genocide Museum(which did not seem at all appealing to take a child to, in my opinion) or tour one of the former President of Rwanda's house. I chose the latter and a short drive later and we were at the Compassion office. Fred, my sponsor child was at the gate, waiting to receive me. As I got out of the car, I walked up to meet Fred with a friendly wave. He was terrified. The translator and social worker who was with him told me that I was probably the first white person who he had ever seen. But we all got into the hire car and drove to the President's house and had a tour of it. I was only able to take pictures outside of the house and on certain parts of the grounds. I thought that as the day went on that Fred would warm up to me more. But being a 6 year old boy who was away from his family in a new place with this weird lady (me) who wanted to give him a hug and hold his hand, I wasn't surprised by his reaction to me. After touring the President's house, we went to get lunch. He perked up when he tried hot chocolate for the first time. But as I was spending more and more time with him, he wasn't seeming to budge. I am sure he was so exhausted and overwhelmed by all the events of the day. As we left the restaurant and headed to the hotel that I was staying at, I pulled out the backpack that I had brought to give to Fred. As he opened my gifts, he became more and more excited. So finally, as I said goodbye, he seemed to warm up to me. His social worker even convinced him to give me a hug and take some pictures with me before I left. I believe that the next time I go to see him, he may have a better reaction.

At lunch, as we were trying to coax words out of Fred, my translator Frank asked how long I was going to be in Rwanda. I told him I would only be there overnight and had no real plans to see anything in the city or anywhere else. He kindly offered to show me around and maybe take a bus to see some of the country side. I agreed and was excited to be able to see more than I originally planned on. We walked around Kigali and I felt people staring as I was one of the only white people in the city. Eventually, we stopped at a restaurant and tried to see Frank's nephew who was one of the managers, but he was not there. From there, Frank asked me if I wanted to go to the Genocide Museum. Every part of me wanted to say no, but multiple people told me that I needed to go there while in Rwanda. I agreed. I found out later that Frank had never gone before, it was something close to his heart as he was 6 years old when the genocide happened. Some of his family was killed in the genocide. We cried our way through the museum and I found that I was so exhausted afterward. I had essentially no sleep except for the hour here or there that I dozed off on the plane or in the airport.
As soon as we arrived in Kigali, Frank, shortly after meeting me, had asked if I wanted to ride one of the motorbikes. It was cheap, easy transportation. I told him that it seemed unsafe and that I didn't want to ride it! But the easiest way to get to the Genocide Museum was by motorbike, so I reluctantly agreed- it ended up being kind of fun. I survived and it didn't seem quite as dangerous as I thought it was going to be. After leaving the museum, we went  back to the hotel that I was staying at. Frank helped me get checked in and then we said goodbye. I was at the hotel the rest of the evening and was able to get on the hotel WiFi and talk to my family and my boyfriend. I was up early the next morning to head back to the airport and fly back to Tanzania. I stayed in Tanzania another two nights and met up with some of the group that I climbed Kilimanjaro with. They were just returning from their safari tour and I was able to share with them about my adventure. We all traveled back to the United States together and parted ways.
I learned so much about God's provision on this trip. I knew in my head that my biggest worries would be taken care of by the Lord, but it took much prayer to step out in faith and learn through experience what it truly meant to place my life in His hands. The safest place to be is always in the will of God.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Dad's day

I'd been thinking of a father's day post for a while and then it snuck up on me. Father's day now means more to me than it ever had before. Within the last few years I've come to appreciate and realize how much of an impact my dad has made on my life.

Today was way more emotional than I thought it would be, maybe because I don't think I'm too emotional of a person or because I'm a little exhausted from the past week of camp, but nevertheless it was. I almost cried in church when a video was shown to portray the example a father is to their son especially. It broke my heart to think of the men and women who never had a good example of a father in their life, maybe because their father passed away or their dad was just a deadbeat. 

I recently spoke at a father/daughter banquet, which isn't normally my thing to speak in front of people, but I was really excited about what I was going to say. It was definitely a thing from God, as the subject I was to speak about was something that God had laid on my heart a while ago. And this is what I talked about:

My relationship with my dad gives me a picture of the relationship I have with God. Granted my dad isn't perfect like my Heavenly Father, but I can still learn a lot about God from my dad.
When God gave Adam his wife, Adam named her 'Eve'. By naming her, Adam was showing he took responsibility for her. The same happens today with last names- I will have my father's last name until marriage and that is symbolic of the change in responsibly from my dad to my husband. So being single means my dad is the man responsible for me. My dad wants to look after and protect me, but it's also my responsibility to be obedient to him and show him respect.

Looking back, I'm extremely thankful that my dad was protective of me, especially in my teenage years with guys, even though in the moment I often felt like a princess locked in a big castle away from the world. I know my dad was that way because he loved me and didn't want me to be hurt by young men who weren't right for me.

Another way I know my dad loves me is that he provides for me and blesses me with good things. My dad treats me like a princess- aka buys me lots of ice cream. My dad isn't overly affectionate with his words, but shows me through his actions: He hasn't kicked me out of his house(yay for saving up money). He doesn't let me believe the lies I tell myself about making sure I need to get ahead in life and find a job that makes the most money. He's provided me with a job(even if it means I have to deal with people like Chris Brooks and Ken Wyant on a daily basis, I'm still thankful anyway). He helps me by making sure my car is running properly and such. In all of those ways I can see my dad loves and values me.

God provides for us, God protects us with His rules and guidance. He wants and knows what is best for us, even if we don't like the answers and ways He shows us. God will not always give us what we want, be He will always give us what we need. God also values us more than any earthly being ever could, He wants to be our king and treat us like royalty. He constantly provides for our needs.

My earthly dad's love for me has effected me in ways I'm sure I can't fully see or understand. But one thing I know is that my dad's love has shown me how to be okay in my own skin. I'm confident in myself because my dad and my brothers have shown me that they love me for who I am: weird, corny, unladylike at times, just me. And I'm perfectly fine with me the way I am.

I've seen many of my friends who don't have godly fathers run after other guys to try to get that love and attention they so badly wanted from their dads. It doesn't have to be that way, but parents do make a huge difference in the lives of their kids, and neither the child or parents often understand that. 

Moral of this story: dad's help shape us into who we are. So if you have a dad who loves you, be thankful and tell him so often. Godly parents are a gift!

For many of you who don't: be thankful for a God who is far better than any earthly father we could ask for. There should always be men in the church who can give you a glimpse of what a Christian father looks like, learn from them.

To my dad- I love you more than you can imagine. Thanks for being my dad. I'll always be your little girl, daddy!

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Nap time will be the death of me

I don't know how other mothers handle nap time, but 3 year old twins plus nap time can often bring lots of tears. I'm actually writing this while they sleep (cross your fingers that they stay asleep longer than an hour), but some of the most frustrating and ugly parts of the day happen while trying to put two tired children down for a nap. Ever since I started trying to be consistent with nap time, I've often seen how it relates to a lot of things in life. Mostly it's shown me a glimpse of my life and surrender.

A tired little girl will want me to rub her legs until she falls asleep.
A tired little boy will do everything he can to convince himself and me that he isn't actually tired... While yawning and crying and rubbing his eyes and talking to himself to keep awake.

I remember nap time when I was little. I remember thinking I was so sneaky, pretending that I was asleep until mom left the room and then feeling so accomplished.

Maybe these kids not giving into sleep frustrates me most because I know that it is what is best for them, because I see how tired they are. It's also for my own sanity, because they will be more tolerable with sleep, and I do need a break of my own to recharge while they nap.

I can see the same thing happen when I don't surrender my life to God. He knows that's what's best for me and deep down I know it is too, but I fight so hard against it thinking my way is better and that I'll miss out on something if I listen and give in.

When I said many tears are shed during nap time, I didn't mean only for the twins. I've been brought to tears with frustration. The picture in my head of nap time going smoothly and having nothing to worry about while each child lays down and falls asleep within minutes because they are angels.. THAT picture is the furthest thing from true 98% of the time. Instead it's screaming and shouting, my patience being tried and wanting to yell all while knowing that will only add to the terribleness.

I often hear "you're not my friend, miss Hannah", or "I'm not your boy, I'm daddy's boy". I normally think, "that's fine, I'm not supposed to be your friend, you're just supposed to listen to me." I'm glad that's not exactly God's response. He is so much more gentle and patience while reminding me that being the creator of the universe and being God means He will always be right.

The funny thing about naps is that the twins don't want to wake up then... I feel that the same thing happens after we have given up our fight and surrendered. It's so much more freeing and we feel refreshed, but we can't get enough of it.

I don't know about you, but life is exhausting when I feel like I need to know what is going to happen every second of my life instead of trusting that when I'm trusting God with my life and plans that he will lead me where I'm supposed to be next at the right time.

And just like nap time comes around just about every day, surrender needs to be a daily act too. Because if not, I'm about to turn into a sleepy, crabby, exhausted person. Somedays I know I'm not surrendering, I'm impatient cause I want to be in charge. Like the days that the twins don't nap, those can be the worst days.

Matthew 6-
25 For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
26 look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barbs, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them! Are you not worth much more than they?
33 but seek FIRST His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Surrender to God.

Proverbs 16:20
He who gives attention to the word will find good, And blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Mushrooms Smell Like Cat Poop

Yes, I do realize that it has been 5 months since I last ranted about something. So, I figured I would bring you all up to speed on what I'm doing... actually, I'm really posting this because I'm the new Social Media Queen of Canary Labs(Don't you wish you had that title ;) and it reminded me that I'm pretty terrible at remembering to blog unless I have something that I feel like I need to tell the world- or all 8 of you who read this. 

So here is my rant about non-important things:
1. Granted, I'm a lot like my dad, but he is a sore loser. He will cheat to win, which is why I'm losing in Words with Friends. Really, our Stern philosophy is that it doesn't matter how you get there, but you must be the winner. Sort of. 
2. What is the deal with selfies?! yes, I take them, like 98% of the world, but I just feel really vain. And then you post said-selfie on Instagram and get like 20 likes and then you're even more vain cause you think you're pretty popular!
3. I've edited my blog to (hopefully) have a better presentation, what do you think? Nope. I can't keep pretending that you're sitting right there on the edge of your seat, waiting to give your response. 
4. There are some people who I work with... who I am positive will give me some rude remark. I might be setting myself up for this one though. Although, they really don't need a reason to criticize me, they will find one no matter what I do. Haters gonna hate. 
5. You should go check out my Canary Labs Blog.
6. I just booked my flight to Florida for the end of this month, I'm ready to be out of this 7 degree weather!
7. These are no longer rants, they've become random sentences thrown together. 


Okay, so this pretending to be a mother thing- It's hard sometimes. Seriously, all you moms- You don't get a break often enough. I only have to nanny a few days a week, but most times, I'm ready to sleep a few hours after being around the 4 kids that I watch. If I could give you a 90 second clip of my day- actually, I couldn't. There are way too many things that go on, 90 seconds would not be long enough to give you the whole perspective. But here is what a rough estimate of my day looks like: 

  • 80% checking the children to make sure they are not putting themselves in danger since the last 30 seconds that I checked them.
  • 5% breaking up fights
  • 2% meal prep
  • 3% cleaning up after them
  • 6% negotiating with them, because these kids' charm skills are off the charts!
  • 4% anything else that comes up through the day
This is representation of a good day. But, lets face it, that's not every day. In fact, that's not most days. But days when I'm feeling burnt out and discouraged, I remind myself why I do this- why I love kids and spending time with them:

It's all worth it when it's for:
  • The times that I walk in the door and am quickly greeted with, "Ms Hannah! I missed you!" after having not seen me for 2 days. 
  • The times when I'm busy doing something else, but the cutest little boy yells "Miss Hannah, I want you!" which probably means that I will spend the next hour playing with cars or airplanes.
  • The hugs, the kisses on cheeks, and my personal favorite- the early morning or right after nap time snuggles.
  • The pictures and notes that I get- even after mornings of having fought with them to do their homework and receiving much sass. I'd say that's a pretty spot on drawing. 
  • The times when I see them getting along like angels, even if it won't last for long. 
  • The hilarity of these kids, I sometimes laugh harder at what they say than any joke I've heard. 

So, discouraged mother who needs a vacation from her problems, remind yourself why everything is worth it. It won't last forever- like any low point in life. 

Just as I don't only see these children as their ornery, sometimes naughty selves, but yet look at their qualities and the love that they have to give, I'm reminded that that's how Christ looks at us! Oh my lanta, how glad I am that God doesn't look at me as my flaws and yet sees me as His child, forgiven. I'm sure that I can be hard to handle, but through Jesus I'm 100% redeemed- those sin's that I struggle with don't define me anymore!

Matthew 18:1-6 At that time the disciples came to Jesus and said, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Faith like a child. Think of the love and trust that a toddler gives to their parent- that's to be our love for God. They hold nothing back. Yet as we grow up and the world inflicts us, we become guarded, instead of fully surrendering and throwing ourselves into the arms of God. What insight a parent has on this subject! It's crazy to me that God allows us to have that same example of a relationship from a parent to a child that He has with us.



Title reference: I do hate mushrooms, but I would never compare them to cat poop. That was a certain little boy's statement while he picked them off of his pizza. 

Monday, October 13, 2014

You know me

I'm sitting here eating eggs and bacon at 12:46. Did you need to know that? no. Did you care? probably not.

"You know every detail of my life. For You are God and You don't miss a thing"



This song- It's my go-to most days. I don't even know if I can count the amount of times I've listened to it. On bad days. On good days. It's a song I listen to when I just want background noise.

What's mind boggling to me is that a God as infinite and powerful as mine would love me as much as He does. He knows every.detail.of.my.life... How foolish of me to be discontent with my life when I have the God who made the universe loving me more that I can fathom! Why do I get so upset when others don't treat me like I'm important to them? I have all that I need. All the love I could ever want, but still my wandering heart chooses to tell me that's not enough.

You know when I rise or when I fall
When I come or go, you see it all
You hung the stars and you move the sea
and STILL you know me

God isn't too busy for me and He is in control of the whole universe! Sometimes I just sit here and cry. I cry because I'm overwhelmed by how unworthy I am of His love and yet He shows me His goodness over and over again without regret. I can't hide from His love. No matter if I think I deserve it or not. I cry because I'm not thankful enough for how much He cares about me. If I can't find satisfaction in His love, there is no where that I can find satisfaction.

Then through my tears, I laugh. What kind of crazy being could love me enough to know every detail about me?! My imperfections- no matter how ugly and loves me anyways. My wants and desires- and whether they match up with what is best for me. My joys- and the fact that He was the one who created them (aka people and food).

God is love. So what a joy it is to be able to love Him back. His love fulfills me. So from that, I can be filled with His love which strengthens me enough to love others even when they don't love me back.

Psalm 118:1
Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; his lovingkindess is everlasting.

Psalm 116:1-5
I love the LORD, because He hears my voice and supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live.
The cords of death encompassed me and the terrors of Sheol came upon me;
I found distress and sorrow. Then I called upon the name of the LORD:
"O LORD, I beseech You, save my life!"
Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; yes, our God is compassionate.


Thank you Lord, for this love that I in no way deserve.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Romans 8:5-9

For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, 
but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. 
For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, 
because the mind set on the flesh is hostile towards God; 
for it does not subject itself to the law of God, 
for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God. 
However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. 
But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. 
Romans 8:5-9

Those who are according to the flesh (unbelievers) set their mind on the things of the flesh (worldly things). BUT those according to the Spirit (believers) set their mind on the things of the Spirit (heavenly matters)

Man, that's pretty convicting for me. What are my thoughts consumed with? Often I focus on me, my problems and worries, the things that make me happy- some pretty worldly perspectives. But as a believer, my mind is to be fixed on my Savior and how I can please Him.

For the mind set on flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, because the mind set on the flesh is hostile towards God. 

This couldn't be more true. When I'm focused on the things of the flesh, I feel empty, lost, overwhelmed with doubt because my worldly focus ends in death and in that moment, I'm not living like God is in control. So, when I change my thoughts to things of the Spirit, I remember life and peace: things that only come from Christ and His words. When I am in God's word, I feel a peace like I cannot feel in any other circumstance. I'm no longer focusing on myself and how I can better myself, but changing those thoughts to how BIG our God is and how He is the only one who can change me when I'm surrendered to Him.

for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

How scary is that statement? those who are in the flesh cannot please God. If I hadn't trusted Christ as my Savior, I could try my best to please Him, but it's impossible! All efforts of pleasing God are futile if one does not know Him.
I'm really not that much of a people-pleaser, I couldn't care less about what some people thought of me. But, if I hold someone in high regard, I care more than anything about pleasing them: my parents, those in leadership over me, most of my friends, ect. In the same way, I want my life to be a burnt offering to Him, a soothing aroma, something that is pleasing to Him. I want to make Him happy with the way that I go about things. So, I must subject myself to the law of God. He who gives attention to the word will find good, and blessed is he who trust in the LORD. Proverbs 16:20 

However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. 
But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Him. 

Because the Spirit of God dwells in me, I belong to Him, I am not in the flesh, so things would be counteractive to have my mind set on the flesh. My selfish thoughts are not beneficial, they leave me feeling empty and if that's the case, why wouldn't I focus on the Creator? He walks with me through my problems, I can rest in Him and feel comfort.



Lord,
 Help me change my thoughts: To focus on You- God, You are bigger than I can fathom. You're holding the world in Your hands. Help me focus on what You want from me to have me be pleasing to You. Help me surrender my ways to You, today and everyday. It's such a simple concept, but I often want control. Mold me and break me if that's what it takes, so that I can rest in You.



Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Great Author

To say to me that the Bible or any book in it is boring or uneventful, I would tell you that you’re not reading the same book as I am. Try teaching it to 3rd graders and you will see what I mean. I’ve been going through the book of Genesis with my 3rd grade Sunday school class and within the 2 or 3rd week, I was already asked about circumcision and concubines… Oh boy.

The Nephilim in Genesis 6, Genesis 19 with homosexual men in Sodom and Gomorrah and the end of the chapter when Lot’s daughters lay with him to preserve the family, or Jacob’s daughter Dinah being raped- these just being a handful of stories that are not often talked about and that's only in the first 30 chapters of the Bible! It is challenging to talk about these stories without explaining things that 3rd graders don’t need to know about, but the principles are always there and hopefully I’m able to convey them properly.

You and I have no excuse to not study the word of God: to ask ourselves why God would choose to put these stories in His letter for us?

2 Timothy 3:16-17 All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.

I think it’s amazing that a book as old as the Bible would still be so relevant to the ever changing times that we live in. A book that touches on every aspect we face in our daily lives- inspired by the One who made and holds everything in its place. Why wouldn’t we want to know everything about the book that points us to our gracious and loving Savior?

Last year I spent 10 months in Florida with 11 other students in a program called Great Commission Bible Institute.  Our goal was to study this entire letter that was not written to us, but was written for us. It was the most convicting, growing and inspiring time of my life. But just because I graduated the program doesn’t mean I stop learning and studying and now I get the privilege of teaching it to kids in my hometown church.
I hope and pray that my life is shaped and changed more and more with every word that I read, that it’s not only head knowledge, but that it’s heart knowledge.

 The more you read the Bible, the more you will love its author. –AW Tozer